And The Cow Said Moo

Ism

2012-02-15T10:35:00.001-06:00

"I bet that candy's old enough to vote."

Another Fun Little Golden Book Classic

2012-02-12T08:00:00.001-06:00

In The Jolly Barnyard, Farmer Brown has decided to treat his animals to what they like to eat best because it is his birthday. The animals have a meeting and decide that they will return the favor by giving something of themselves to Farmer Brown. The sheep, for instance, decide to give Farmer Brown their wool and the rooster decides to wake Farmer Brown up in the mornings. However, some of the other animals' gifts are a bit more ambiguous ... maybe even alarming. Take, for example, the turkey's response:

and the calf:

Interesting.

Annie North Bedford. the jolly barnyard.
Illustrated by Tibor Gergely. Random House, 1950.

The Real G-Force

2012-02-09T20:37:00.003-06:00

On the walk home from the grocery store tonight I walked by the local pet store. To my surprise, a gerbil was on the loose inside the building. It came up to the glass door, took a good long look at me and then wandered off.

"Stanley"

2012-02-04T08:00:00.001-06:00

Chuck Close's "Stanley"

My attempt:

Ism

2012-02-02T08:00:00.002-06:00

"That coffee tastes like floor sweepings."

Oh, Celery Stick, You're So Silly

2012-01-30T16:33:00.006-06:00

Celery Stick Enjoys A Snow Day.

Celery Stick Plays Soccer.

Celery Stick Enjoys Nature. (Buzz, Buzz.)

Celery Stick Goes To The Circus.

Celery Stick Goes Shopping.

Celery Stick Takes Fritz On A Walk.

Celery Stick Enjoys Public Transportation.

Celery Stick Goes Back In Time.

Celery Stick At The Pet Store.

Celery Stick Doing Some Yard Work. (Clip, Clip.)

Celery Stick Visits Florida.

Celery Stick Enjoys Fancy Dining.

(Illustrations by Stephanie.)

The Local Newspaper Is At It Again

2012-01-29T23:36:00.003-06:00

It's not clear if the newspaper staff was having some fun at the expense of the two males in the picture and, perhaps, forgot to finish the edits, or if this error was a result of some type of cutting and pasting mistake. At any rate, it doesn't make the news folks look professional.

But the real question is, does Johnny Depp know about this?

Hello, Tiny Fridge Magnet

2012-01-27T13:43:00.002-06:00

"Hello, Santa."

"Hel looo."

Mitt Romney Calculator

2012-01-26T00:00:00.001-06:00

Want to know how long it takes Mitt Romney to make your yearly salary?

Some folks at Slate wanted to know.

You can find out too: Mitt Romney Calculator

Personification and Apostrophe in Action

2012-01-25T19:57:00.002-06:00

"Hello Walls," not to be confused with "Hello, Darling," was played on the radio today. This almost forgotten song, ever since the airing, has been a running joke in the house.

Hello, house.

Example: "There goes the cat."
"Hello, cat."

Example: "Would you like some bread?"
"Yes. Hello, bread."

Example: "Hello, Dad. Welcome home."
"Hello, Sara. Hello, home."

Example: "Hello, toilet. I see that you're still here. Are you lonely?"

My Little Pony

2012-01-25T08:00:00.004-06:00

Want to know which My Little Pony is most like you?

Take the quiz:

My Little Pony Personality Quiz

(APPLEJACK is most like me.)

Lessons in Hoarding

2012-01-24T10:02:00.004-06:00

In Suzy Spafford's children's book, Helping-Out Day? Hooray!, little Suzy has a problem.

Her teacher, Ms. O, tells students Helping-Out Day is in one week, and Suzy needs to figure out what to do for the day. She walks by her friend's messy yard and gets inspired to clean it up.

The project quickly goes awry when Suzy's hoarder friend, Vivian the warthog, comes home to find all of her junk gone. Vivian is terribly upset and wants her stuff back.

After a visit to an art museum, Suzy figures out how to resolve the issue.

She decides to make an art show with Vivian's junk.

Helping-Out Day? Hooray! is a strange book indeed. The reader expects the warthog to be happy that her friends have cleaned up her yard. However, when Vivian the warthog gets upset, Suzy and her friends look like meddling nuisances.

Also, the story is an unsettling reminder of the television show Hoarders. And, where a typical children's book about the same subject matter sends the message: hard work and cleanliness are good for you, Helping-Out Day? Hooray! seems to be saying that a) you should listen to your friends' requests to not mess with their stuff and b) messes should be cleaned up by "recycling" the mess into "art."

An interesting and strange book all around.

Fun Phrases Found In My Old Notebooks

2012-01-22T08:00:00.000-06:00

I dream about old alley cats
with missing eyes
cheap blue curtains
every wobbly card table
every horrible sense of self-awareness

In retrospect
I found it difficult
to work without praise

More Fun With the Local Newspaper

2012-01-21T08:00:00.006-06:00

The police department is having communication problems.

According to the local news, "Police within [the county] can communicate with one another just fine -- as long as they are in their squad car."

10 points if you can figure out why the above statement made me giggle!

"Starry Night"

2012-01-20T08:00:00.000-06:00

Vincent van Gogh's "Starry Night" as it was:

As it should be:

Is it just me or is that strange?

2012-01-19T16:20:00.002-06:00

A poorly cropped photo?

I'm guessing the bodies standing behind Jodie Sweetin in this image from yahoo news are members of the Full House cast. However, it took me awhile to figure out what was going on with the body part to the right of little Sweetin. I didn't realize it was a torso.

Anyone else?

Ism

2012-01-17T08:00:00.001-06:00

"Learning is the process of realizing you did not create the world."

IDOT (Cross the T's. Dot the I's.)

2012-01-14T22:20:00.003-06:00

Dearest IDOT,

Please fix the reflective paint issues along I70 Eastbound.

It is really difficult to see the road at night, especially in the areas from Troy to Pocahontas, IL. (The trouble might exist around the Greenville area as well.)

I believe you have been working on the situation, but more must be done. (It appears that some of the paint is actually tape, which might have been scraped off by snowplows.)

For a little over a year I have been navigating this section of interstate and have had trouble seeing the yellow and white lines.

On a clear night, drivers have difficulty staying on the road. On a rainy night, it is nearly impossible.

I'm sure anyone who travels this patch of road would greatly appreciate the improvements.

If the issue is not a matter that falls under your jurisdiction, please mention the problem to the people who are responsible for getting the job done.

Much Appreciated,

Sara

HEY

2012-01-11T16:19:00.002-06:00

Remember when the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people?

Well, did you know about this petition?

"Saving American Democracy Amendment"

The Colbert Report Complicates Circular Reasoning

2012-01-11T10:30:00.002-06:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Tip/Wag - Irresponsible Dead People & Insensitive Papa John's

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

Video Archive

I enjoy watching The Colbert Report for a number of reasons: it's funny, it's educational, and it's a great teaching tool.

As with The Daily Show, The Colbert Report embraces logical fallacies and complicates them.

This particular video clip pokes fun of a political candidate for his use of circular reasoning (also known as begging the question).

Showing the clip to students who are having trouble understanding logical fallacies might make them more aware of logical fallacies in their daily lives and help them avoid fallacies in their writing.

Here's hoping.

Philosophical Question

2012-01-09T08:00:00.000-06:00

Do all card tables wobble?

This Has Been A Lesson About Spacing

2012-01-08T08:00:00.001-06:00

The children's book Biscuit's Day at the Farm features a little girl and her dog named Biscuit. The book is filled with lovely pictures of Biscuit and his pig friend, but the best part is the dialogue.

When I first read the book, I was a bit confused about who was saying "Woof, woof!" Was it the girl or Biscuit?

Of course, common sense tells me the dog is barking, but it's still pretty silly.

As one can tell from the images below, it's difficult not to run the dog's response together with the girl's commands.

I also enjoy the last picture. That girl and dog sure are energetic when they feed the sheep.

Alyssa Satin Capucilli. Biscuit's Day at the Farm.
Pictures by Pat Schories. Harper Collins, 2007.

There's Still Time

2012-01-07T22:37:00.001-06:00

Go outside and look up at the moon. You'll see a giant halo around it.

Fun Phrases Found In My Old Notebooks

2012-01-07T13:25:00.002-06:00

Oh, my, is that a worm?

Sara's Failed Attempts At Greatness

2012-01-06T08:00:00.000-06:00

The Egyptian "Anubis"

My "Anubis"

Belated Poem

2012-01-05T08:00:00.001-06:00

Poem for the New Year

Cheer up
Human

Tomorrow is another
year

Eat liver
Buy blankets
Be merry

You were there

The guidebooks
tell it

Hooray for the Butter Cow

2012-01-04T13:15:00.001-06:00

the Onion reports:

600-Pound Butter Cow Sculpture Wins Iowa Caucus

"'For one thing, I’m more familiar and comfortable with the butter cow,' said Iowa voter Horace Wright..."

See it here: the Onion

Blast From The Past

2012-01-04T08:00:00.002-06:00

Goodbye, Beastie.

It was a lovely 12 year run.

Jacket Too

2012-01-03T08:00:00.001-06:00

What happened to Jacket?

It turned into Jacket 2.

Yahoo News?

2012-01-02T08:00:00.002-06:00

The Latest Yahoo "News" Headlines:

Check Your 2012 Horoscope
First Class Flight Luxuries
Kiss Inspires Shaq Offer
Breakout of Relationship Ruts
How to Treat Tricky Stains
Why Do Men Cheat?

These annoyances that keep me from quickly accessing my email remind me of articles that might appear in Jennifer Garner's Sparkle Magazine (in the movie 13 Going On 30).

The worst part is, if you do get sucked in and click on one of the links: say, Foods Not To Buy In the Grocery Store, you will find nothing new or inspiring. (Mostly, they are common sense statements. "How to Lose Weight," for instance, might yield: Eat less and exercise.)

So why, Yahoo, do you insist on creating these "news" links?

Also, what's up with the must see videos? Take, for instance, "Playful Cat Shows off Acrobatic Skills."

Do I really NEED to see that clip? Will it somehow teach me about the ways of the universe that I did not understand before? Will I earn money by watching? Will I strengthen my friendships by watching?

You decide, Reader.

Playful Cat Shows Off Acrobatic Skills

Ism

2012-01-01T08:00:00.000-06:00

"I'm not an in-law ... I'm an outlaw!"

Time Jump

2011-12-31T15:06:00.006-06:00

The local daily news has jumped through time again -- this time they went backwards.

(The sports section from today's paper)

Maybe they are dreading the new year... To those who aren't: Happy New Year!

They're Back

2011-12-31T08:00:00.001-06:00

It's hard to see them through the screen, but the turtle doves have returned. (click on image for larger view)

Out and About

2011-12-26T15:37:00.002-06:00

There were 20 people waiting in the "returns" line at Kohl's today.

How do I know?

A little boy was running up and down the aisle counting everyone.

Pictures

2011-12-25T08:00:00.001-06:00

Pictures from the summer with the nephews were finally developed.

Will be squeezing these babies today.

Happy Holidays!

Sara's Failed Attempts At Greatness

2011-12-24T08:00:00.000-06:00

Andy Warhol's "Marilyn Monroe" and "Vegetable Soup"

My Version:

Oh That Baby...

2011-12-23T08:00:00.002-06:00

A better caption:

Here's how Baby walks.
Baby learns to goose-step!

What's Up With Baby?

2011-12-22T12:23:00.003-06:00

Baby's House is a Little Golden Book that follows Baby around his/her house. The reader gets to see inside Baby's room, watch Baby roll a ball, take a bath, and cook. In the above illustration, Baby has a number of pots on the stove! And then, Baby stands on a chair and washes dishes!

How old is this baby/Baby? And where are her/his parents?

Baby's House (1950)
by Gelolo McHugh
Illustrated by Mary Blair

'Tis the Season

2011-12-21T18:38:00.004-06:00

to find strange "to and from" tags.

Why is Santa riding one reindeer? How is he holding on? What are those round things coming off the reindeer? Why does the reindeer look like it's tweakin'? Why does it have curved hooves?

Where, exactly, are Santa and the reindeer going?

Insomniac Diary

2011-11-26T11:47:00.003-06:00

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a commercial for the Swedish diet and a whole lot of fear...

At first, I thought I was just over-tired and had imagined the smiley face pants and the word "wedgie."

Then, I thought, that commercial did not just happen.

But, no, youtube has proven that the commercial is a real thing.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T08:31:00.001-06:00

Today I am thankful for a warm house.

Maybe the best version of Bon Iver's "Skinny Love"...

2011-11-10T10:05:00.001-06:00

Thanks La Blogotheque!

Greg Pattillo

2011-11-08T21:12:00.004-06:00

Spent part of my Tuesday evening listening to Greg Pattillo. You can too.

Trick Or Treat

2011-10-31T21:02:00.002-05:00

Most popular costume: athlete (baseball, football player)

Second most popular costume: that creepy murderer outfit from the Scream movies

Most interesting costume: Cat in the Hat

What costumes did I hope to see, but didn't: Ghosts and Witches

Doodle on Back of Napkin Doodle

2011-10-11T16:18:00.001-05:00

Dear Reader,
Do you doodle?

Doodle on a Napkin

2011-10-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

Conversation

2011-09-24T08:56:00.002-05:00

"What do you make of this? Is it bad?"

"It's bad."

"It's not bad! ... Oh, lord, it's bad."

Stephen Crane

2011-09-15T21:24:00.003-05:00

The first work I read by Stephen Crane was The Red Bad of Courage. It helped me kill time during study hall my senior year of high school.

I remember that study hall well. The study hall teacher was also the football coach. He was a big man and he was scary. He spent the biggest part of every day reading magazines and yelling at kids to be quiet and do their work.

There was a boy who sat three rows in front of me and slightly to the left of my chair (the classroom was the school auditorium). Let's call him Dean. Dean spent his study hall gesturing inappropriately to the female student who, probably, purposely sat in the row in front of him. Sometimes I would look up from The Red Bad of Courage and see things over on that side of the room that were more horrible than the battle scenes in the war I was reading about.

Sometimes as I was reading, a boy who sat one row behind me and one seat to the right of mine would lean over and annoy me with questions like: Have you ever seen your neighbors naked?

And, there was a female student who was always getting into trouble. Let's call her Becky. She wore a lot of long-sleeve thermal shirts with short-sleeve t-shirts over them, like Kurt Cobain. She was in the principal's office so often that they were on a first name basis. During study hall, she sat up on stage with the teacher and, when she wouldn't do her work, they looked through magazines together and talked.

Sometimes as I was reading, I could hear the boy behind me snore.

Sometimes I would look up and discover that all of the students in the class were asleep or pretending to sleep and the teacher was leaning a bit too forward in his chair for a person who was supposed to be awake.

Sometimes it took a lot of work to pull myself out of the book and remember where I was.

Once, I was startled out of the book by the boy who sat behind me. He asked, "When you're alone in your room at night, do you dance naked?"

I remember a lot of things about that study hall, but mostly I remember reading The Red Bad of Courage, how I was shocked by the man's fear and his decision to run away from battle. I remember the time he spent hiding out, too. How he tried to convince himself that he did the right thing and he wasn't a coward.

And, I remember how fiercely he fought when he summoned up the courage to return to his regiment.

The Red Bad of Courage was one of those books that made me sad when I finished it, not because the book had a sad ending, but, rather, because I didn't want to see the characters go. I wanted to read more.

This semester I have asked my students to read Crane's "The Open Boat."

If you haven't read it, it is, in short, about four men who have been shipwrecked and are now fighting for their lives on a dingy in the ocean.

When I read it, I can't help but think of it as some strange combination of Deadliest Catch and I Shouldn't Be Alive.

The story contains all the elements that make those shows fascinating to watch -- humans battling the ocean, even in the face of absolute defeat and exhaustion; a sense of camaraderie among the men; selfless acts to keep the group afloat; sharks and devastatingly cold water.

And it, like all exciting literature, is full of wonderful passages. Sometimes there's fear and an ominous feeling that all of the men in the dinghy are not going to make it back to shore. Sometimes there's humor, like when a bird lands on the captain's head and attacks his hair. And sometimes there's suspense that sneaks up on you and startles you with its quietness: "They curled down and, after a few preliminary chatterings and trembles, slept once more the dead sleep. Neither knew they had bequeathed to the cook the company of another shark, or perhaps the same shark."

Stephen Crane gets it right. "The Open Boat" is one of those stories like The Red Bad of Courage that keeps me coming back and makes me sad when it's over.

Djokovic Beats Nadal

2011-09-12T20:09:00.001-05:00

"Wow!"

"I know, right?"

MLA and Word

2011-09-09T16:07:00.002-05:00

Dear Microsoft Word,

Why do you keep making it more and more difficult to use you?

I remember older versions of word, versions that didn't make me hunt through all sorts of options and boxes just to set up a header.

I remember when I didn't have to spend fifteen minutes of my composition course explaining to my students how and why you keep adding extra spaces between lines and paragraphs or why you insist on dropping sentences onto second pages of essays when there is still space to fill at the bottom of the previous page.

This week alone I sent out 24 emails that explained how to turn off widow/orphan control, how to solve line spacing issues, how to set up headers in Word 2010, and on and on.

And, sadly, I had to create documents that explained the same processes for older versions of Word.

Look, if I select double space for my paragraphs, I expect them to be double spaced, not 2.5 or 1.5 or whatever you decide is appropriate.

If I set up one inch margins all around my page, then I don't want you to create a two inch margin at the bottom of the page simply because you think it looks nicer to start a paragraph on page two.

I don't want to have to spend my evenings Googling things like: "Why won't Word allow me to tab over?"

Although your troubleshooting website is most helpful, I'm tired of looking at it.

I don't know why you have to keep mucking around with things. I know you are attempting to make your program more easily accessible or "user-friendly," but the more you change, the more difficult you are to navigate.

Word, don't get me wrong, you have helped me create countless essays and other documents -- but please stop the madness.

Can't we go back to simpler times? Times when creating a header meant clicking on "view" and then "header?"

Oh, Word ... why not?

It's hard enough to get students on board with MLA, but when they can't figure out how to create margins and spacing and headers ... well, it's most difficult to keep them on track.

Will you help me, Word? Please?

Here's hoping for the best.

Sara

Happy Birthday, Michael!

2011-09-02T16:41:00.007-05:00

Tracing/Sketch by Sara

We get it! It's hot!

2011-07-22T22:55:00.003-05:00

Know what's more idiotic than a reporter reporting about his attempts to fry an egg on a sidewalk?

No, what?

A reporter reporting about the reporter trying to fry an egg on a sidewalk.

In the mail today ...

2011-04-02T22:17:00.002-05:00

(click for a larger view)

Strange Occurrence

2011-03-19T13:29:00.002-05:00

A deer went on a rampage through the downtown area of my hometown yesterday.

Before it threw itself off an overpass bridge onto a car below, it broke into a store and, as reported by the local paper, "The doe left clumps of hair and streaks on the tile floor as it passed through and also slobbered on several of the windows."

Slobbering on windows -- is that a crime?

(No one was injured during the rampage, except for the deer.)

Ism

2011-03-19T13:24:00.000-05:00

"Where I come from, diabetes is a sport."

Out and About

2011-03-03T16:41:00.005-06:00

Out and about in campus town today getting a bite to eat -- and there was a woman in a cage painted like a tiger!

A protest against the circus that is coming to town.

As I snapped this photo, the local newspaper photographer snapped a picture of me.

So, here is my picture of the photographer taking a picture of me taking a picture of the tiger woman.

An aside: The photographer's picture of me taking a picture of the tiger woman may be appearing in your local newspaper tomorrow. Check the front page.

Old News?

2011-02-16T18:16:00.001-06:00

From Yahoo News:

Pa. teacher strikes nerve with 'lazy whiners' blog --

My students are out of control," Munroe, who has taught 10th, 11th and 12th grades, wrote in one post. "They are rude, disengaged, lazy whiners. They curse, discuss drugs, talk back, argue for grades, complain about everything, fancy themselves entitled to whatever they desire, and are just generally annoying."

What's All the Fuss About?

Apartment Living

2011-01-31T20:20:00.003-06:00

Am living in an apartment and have downstairs neighbors who have nothing better to do with their lives than play loud music all day and all night --

The bass has been shaking me around my living room floor nonstop for the past 7 hours.

And now that there is an ice and snow storm, I can't leave the apartment.

What the BBC reported about music torture on Iraqi POWs:

If you play it for 24 hours, your brain and body functions start to slide, your train of thought slows down and your will is broken. That's when we come in and talk to them.

Shit. I don't doubt it.

I'm having a hard time composing this post because I can't think straight.

See also: thoughts about gutting certain persons

I was thinking about writing jokes -- so I did

2011-01-14T20:03:00.007-06:00

As a teacher, every semester I hear other teachers talking about that one bad student in the class -- I don't know why they keep letting Randy in.

My mom said I need to stop hanging out with such a rough crowd. She's probably right --The sandpaper pants are killing me.

Soup

2011-01-04T15:16:00.002-06:00

From a Menards ad:

That's some generic soup.

Grad School

2010-10-30T13:02:00.001-05:00

2010-08-12T18:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the world, Will and Alex!

Fair Time

2010-08-04T16:59:00.002-05:00

At the county fair today. Only picked one winner in the horse races -- but picked a lot of second place finishers.

I'm sad to report: I did not get licked by a goat. It was too hot to make the trip over to the goat shed.

(that's a fun sentence)

Maybe next year.

Let's Get Out of Here

2010-08-04T16:55:00.002-05:00

Went for a 30 mile bike ride on Sunday and traveled through a scary town full of confederate flags and trucks with decals that read: Cowboy Up. I stopped at a gas station in the town and heard one male yell to some other males: White Power!

Was it the white trash capital of the world? I'm going to go with Yes.

Oh, Marigold!

2010-07-15T15:16:00.001-05:00

Do What Now?

2010-07-03T21:06:00.002-05:00

I was driving home today with the radio on and that crazy the Killers' song was playing on the radio. I have had many debates with a friend about the lyrics "are we human, or are we dancer" and the possible meanings behind the lyrics. Stupid lyrics or something more?

From Wikipedia:

There remains confusion and debate over the line "Are we human, or are we dancer?" in the song's chorus due to its unusual grammar.[7] Debate raged across the internet over whether the lyrics said "denser" or "dancer", a misunderstanding which invoked conflicting interpretations of the song's meaning.[8][9] Entertainment Weekly's Pop Watch section called this line the "silliest lyrics of the week".[8] They were puzzled by the interpretation, stating "most dancers are generally human".[8] On the band's official website, the biography section states that Flowers is singing "Are we human, or are we dancer?" and also says that the lyrics were inspired by a disparaging comment made by Hunter S. Thompson, where he stated America was raising "a generation of dancers".[10] Various interpretations have been proposed, including that the word "dancer" should be taken in the same manner as "human" in that specific context (i.e. a distinct species).[7][11] In an interview with Rolling Stone, Flowers said that he was irritated over the confusion about the lyrics and also that fans were unhappy with the song's dance beat: "It's supposed to be a dance song, [the beat] goes with the chorus...If you can't put that together, you're an idiot. I just don't get why there's a confusion about it."[12]

Please excuse me. I have to make a phone call...

Worms Lead To Slugs

2010-07-02T22:58:00.003-05:00

Just had a flashback:

The year is 1989 or 1990. The movie Slugs is on television.

A man in the movie has eaten a salad that had slugs in it. Later, at a restaurant, the slugs come out of his head. He is eaten inside out by slugs!

So that's why I don't like lettuce.

(just kidding)

Something Smells Wormy

2010-07-02T22:41:00.002-05:00

Trout worms must be kept in the fridge if they are going to live long enough for another fishing trip.

The worms were in their worm container inside a plastic bag on a shelf next to the grape jelly.

I went to check on the worms, to see if they were still alive. It had been a few days since they were placed in the fridge on the top shelf, next to the grape jelly.

I noticed the plastic bag was open. I thought about that tiny hole that somehow got in the worm container lid.

I wasn't worried. Why would worms crawl out of a container of dirt into a fridge? I didn't think they'd be interested in grape jelly.

To see if the worms had turned (giggle), I grabbed the bag and pulled it out of the fridge. And that's when I felt something strange against my hand, something cold and slightly damp, something wriggling. That's when I flicked whatever was on my hand across the kitchen table. That's when whatever it was narrowly missed the freshly made brownies.

That's when I saw the worms. Worms all over the bag. Worms wiggling through the tiny crack in the container lid.

Crap! And what about the jelly!

I Spy With My Little Eye

2010-07-01T22:30:00.002-05:00

Today I saw two deer, numerous dogs, four cats, a whole lot of geese, one crane, some mallard ducks, a handful of spiders, and two catfish.

Hello, Critters!

Conversation

2010-06-08T10:20:00.002-05:00

"That's really weird. That farmer is out there standing in the middle of his field."

"He's outstanding in his field."

Dear Deadliest Catch Fishermen:

2010-05-31T12:22:00.003-05:00

Why do you always yell "Yeah, baby!" when you haul a lot of crab?

I understand you are in a highly testosterone driven environment, but who are you talking to?

Knock it off! It's annoying!

Insomniac Diary

2010-05-30T23:32:00.004-05:00

You know how it goes: You are in bed ready to switch off the light and begin that dream again where you are the prettiest cardinal in all the land living in the tops of the prettiest maple tree or is it, under a bush? Well, wherever it is cardinals nest, you are there, or, perhaps, you are a blue jay, annoying little piss of a bird, or a sparrow, the common house-wrecker, or maybe you are not going to be a bird at all – crap, I don’t know what you dream about, but anyway, you are about to go there, wherever that is and you wonder: What’s that noise? Someone snoring?

No, a mosquito.

And then you ask yourself: How did it get in the room? There are screens on all the windows. Did it tunnel in? Does it have a tiny shovel and a mining helmet? And how did it get that large already? It’s not even June and there it is on the ceiling the size of a thin tarantula. (Is that an oxymoron?) Do you get up and kill it? Or let it live and hope that it already vampired up? And if you vote for life, how can you sleep with a possibly hungry mosquito buzzing a little too close to your bed? And you know, you just know, if you get up and grab that tennis shoe conveniently tossed exactly (is that an oxymoron?) three paces away from where your greedy hand hoped to find it without having to stir from the bed and scare off the mosquito, oh, you just know, if you move one inch to go for that shoe and knock the blood-sucker down from its perch near the light fixture, if you so much as move your eyes away from it, that little vamp will swoop down and go for your jugular or, much worse, will disappear behind the dresser or somewhere in the wilds of the curtains, and then what? Then what?

You’ll be there all night waiting. Listening.

The slightest buzzing noise and you swat at yourself wildly. You have to bring the covers up over your head to protect your face. No! Not the face! Anything but the face!

So, what to do? Spring forth from the covers like the wild jungle cat you are and smack the pest with the palm of your hand. Of course!

So, you lunge. But what’s that? You forgot to first remove the covers under which you were hiding and they have wrapped themselves around your ankles and your knees in an attempt to save you from the blood-sucker. Oh, covers, now is not the time to make a friend, to be a hero!

Yes, and there you are, nothing but a hyped-up fool with a rug burn on your face. You cannot even kill a mosquito.

And just where the hell did it go?

And did you just feel something brush against your throat?

Another sleepless night for you.

One Question Remains:

2010-05-30T22:55:00.001-05:00

Does the child need to be near a flame to catch fire?

Summer Break Begins

2010-05-12T20:41:00.002-05:00

If you need me, I'll be on a coaster (a roller coaster, that is).

Yippee!

2010-05-12T20:38:00.002-05:00

Good luck, John G!

More Fun With Local Newspaper

2010-05-10T22:52:00.002-05:00

(not exactly)

(Bone breaks EHS triple jump record -- Peyton, that is.)

Happy Tax Day To Ya, Americans!

2010-04-15T09:13:00.000-05:00

I hope you didn't procrastinate...

Gnome Census

2010-04-09T10:16:00.003-05:00

From the EDN:

“One guy told me he can’t wait to find out how many gnomes there are,” said another census organizer, Jane Giertz.

And later:

“There’s a town in Wisconsin that calls itself the troll capital of the world,” he said. “We thought we could be the gnome capital.”

Excuse Me?

2010-04-09T10:07:00.002-05:00

My Fortune Cookie Fortune Reads:

"You will find your yourself in a position of dignity in the end."

Problems:

1. My fortune has a typo. Irony? Should I believe the fortune? Is it being sarcastic somehow?

2. Is this fortune talking about my death? Should I be scared?

3. What about "positions" and "my end!" I'm insulted!

It's Here!

2010-04-04T00:00:00.001-05:00

Happy Easter Egg!

(images from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

It's On Its Way, Boys And Girls!

2010-04-03T10:19:00.002-05:00

Fun With Local Newspaper Headline

2010-04-02T16:27:00.001-05:00

(I wonder who threw it and who will catch it.)

Recursion

2010-04-02T16:22:00.002-05:00

If you type the word Recursion into Google's search box, you will be asked:

Did you mean: Recursion

If you click on Recursion, you will be lead to the same page with the question:

Did you mean: Recursion

(into infinity)

Ah, Google, you are so meta.

(Thank you, lit. class, for pointing this out to me.)

Microwaves

2010-04-02T13:30:00.003-05:00

Remember 1983?

No? Me neither. However, it was the year Carousel Microwave Cookbook was published. The above image comes from this book -- It's strange to think that, in our recent past, there was a time when people did not know what a microwave was.

I remember when my family purchased its first microwave. We all hovered around it in the kitchen while it heated up some water. Ah, new microwave glow! We also shoved our faces up against the plastic door. (We weren't the brightest.)

Today on the Bus

2010-04-01T22:58:00.003-05:00

When I stepped onto the bus, the bus driver yelled: "Hurry up and get in! Don't let that cat on the bus!"

I was startled and began looking for the cat.

Then, the bus driver said: "April Fool's!"

He continued to play tricks on just about every person who got on the bus for the duration of the ride.

Thank you, insane bus driver! You know how to make people nervously happy.

Ism

2010-03-28T22:01:00.001-05:00

"She's got a trumpet mouth!"

Ads Found In Family Circle (1974)

2010-03-25T12:11:00.003-05:00

(Sheesh! I hate when the dog takes the chicken eggs. Don't you?)

(Ah, yes. Smoking in the garden. My fav. activity. Wait a minute! Is that a waterfall?)

On page 134, you can take a "Personality-Evaluation Quiz." Please check True or False:

On the One Hand...
I can be counted on
I'm a good mother
I'm patient with people
I handle money well
I am true to my friends
I try to act fair
I'm not too bossy
I don't gossip
I'm not too strict
I can control my temper
I'm not a show-off
I keep myself attractive
I don't talk too much
I'm rarely late
I don't tell lies
I keep promises
My friends like me
I'm fun to be with
I'm usually smiling and cheerful
I'm pretty smart
I can be a good sport
I don't hold grudges
I don't deliberately hurt people
I make life easier for my husband
I'm a good manager

On The Other Hand...
Sometimes I'm mean
Sometimes I shout
Sometimes I get sloppy
Sometimes I don't make myself attractive
Sometimes I like to get even
Sometimes I'm short-tempered
Sometimes I'm "blue" for no reason
Sometimes I hate everybody
Sometimes I want to be left alone
Sometimes I can't get up in the morning

(1974, this tells me more about you than ...)

Rules To Live By Ruler

2010-03-25T11:51:00.001-05:00

More Fun With Books

2010-03-22T21:04:00.005-05:00

I was looking through Betty Crocker's Dinner for Two Cook Book and found all sorts of wonderful illustrations from another time period. (circa 1968?)

Imagine! Women in hats! To go to Market! And the dresses! Oh, my!

I also enjoy the little bits of advice that appear next to the pictures.

Pigtail Wig

2010-03-22T11:48:00.002-05:00

From Alcoa's Book of Decorations, 1959.

Louis XIV Has Lady Legs

2010-03-21T22:08:00.003-05:00

Louis XIV

After the painting by Hyacinthe Rigaud.

Louvre, Paris.

(The above picture comes from Early European History by Hutton Webster. Copyright 1924.)

From the Bus

2010-03-19T22:11:00.002-05:00

What did I learn on the bus today?

All about Chicago gangs in the early 90s. They lit someone on fire!

And

Someone named Carl has serious "baby momma drama."

Remember, bus riders: the best seat is located in the last row, right side (opposite the driver). Why? When the driver runs over the curb, you fly into the air. If/When this happens, you get ten points -- a bonus day. Only good things will come your way on bonus days.

"Aura Lee"

2010-03-06T20:45:00.004-06:00

I blame my parents for my strange understanding of and history with music. When I was younger I knew songs like "Show Me the Way to Go Home" or "Red River Valley," but had little understanding of The Beatles or The Clash or anything contemporary. Heck, even Elvis Presley and Patsy Cline failed to exist in my world of waltzes and polkas and strange songs with strange lyrics like, "I danced with a gal with a hole in her stocking

And her knees was a-knockin' and her shoes was a-rockin'

I danced with a gal with a hole in her stocking

And we danced by the light of the moon

Momma put the cat out tonight,

the cat out tonight,

the cat out tonight.

Momma put the cat out tonight.

Gonna dance by the light of the moon."

(Didn't Bruce Springsteen do some version of this song?)

It took me many years to even acknowledge the existence of music outside of my parents' musical tastes. In fact, I didn't own any music until I was 18.

And how about recently, over plates of sphagetti, when my father, my mother, and I serenadedd each other with "Bye Bye Blackbird"?

This is strange. Really strange.

And yet, my former musical obliviousness has had a few good consequences; namely, I've developed an insatiable desire for seeking out awesome tunes, and, at the same time, I have a knowledge of the strange.

I can sing the original lyrics to "On Top of Old Smokey" -- and "On Top of Spaghetti." Also, I know about the existence of such songs like "Yes, We Have No Bananas"!

However, is it any wonder that it has taken me all these years to realize Presley's "Love Me Tender" is really an adaptation of "Aura Lee"?

I just discovered it today!

Crazy great!

Olympics

2010-02-27T23:28:00.005-06:00

I was watching Apolo Ohno's individual race for the gold medal last night. (USA! USA! USA!) And, as you may have heard, after Ohno placed his hand on a Canadian skater's back, the skater slipped and slid across the ice, presumably falling out of the race.

As the event occurred, a family member, who was also watching the race, exclaimed, "Oh, no!"

What followed was a barrage of jokes pertaining to Apolo's last name, as you can imagine.

And, then, today in Yahoo news:

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — German speedskater Anna Friesinger-Postma managed to capture virtually every human emotion in the space of five crazy seconds at the end of the women's team pursuit semifinal.When Friesinger-Postma broke a skate on the final lap as the Germans battled against the United States, it looked as if her dreams of Olympic gold would be dashed.The 33-year-old initially stumbled, then fell headfirst onto the ice as her skate wobbled beneath her, before sliding over the line on her stomach.

"I thought, 'No, no, I'm falling. Oh no, oh no no no,' " Friesinger-Postma said. "I thought I missed up for the team."

Oh, the jokes continue...

Hippie/Native American Stereotype/?

2010-02-19T13:28:00.004-06:00

What were we thinking?

(Going through old pictures ... my siblings and me. I'm the one in pink pants.)

Shoat Pig

2010-02-06T15:37:00.005-06:00

A song for the day composed by my father and me (He sings the pig's lines... don't eat me):

Where you wanna go?

Where you wanna go?

Where you wanna go Shoat Pig?
Where you wanna go?

Don't wean me.

Don't wean me.

Don't wean me.

Where you wanna go?

Where you wanna go?

Where you wanna go Shoat Pig?
Where you wanna go?

Don't eat me.

Don't eat me.

Don't eat me.

Thank You, Mr. Salinger

2010-02-01T10:23:00.001-06:00

From The Onion:

Bunch Of Phonies Mourn J.D. Salinger

CORNISH, NH—In this big dramatic production that didn't do anyone any good (and was pretty embarrassing, really, if you think about it), thousands upon thousands of phonies across the country mourned the death of author J.D. Salinger, who was 91 years old for crying out loud. "He had a real impact on the literary world and on millions of readers," said hot-shot English professor David Clarke, who is just like the rest of them, and even works at one of those crumby schools that rich people send their kids to so they don't have to look at them for four years. "There will never be another voice like his." Which is exactly the lousy kind of goddamn thing that people say, because really it could mean lots of things, or nothing at all even, and it's just a perfect example of why you should never tell anybody anything.

Bowling

2010-01-13T21:44:00.002-06:00

Was feeling pretty confident with my 162 and a turkey... then the guy in the lane next to me bowled a 300!

Amazing.

Ism

2010-01-07T23:12:00.000-06:00

"Where were you?"

"Outside sweeping the partly-sunny off my car."

Have you seen this?

2010-01-05T13:07:00.001-06:00